4:02am Not Again
by porcelain skin
Summary: "I don't think I can do this!" Unable to sleep due to a pressing worry, Subaru starts to panic. (I tried to write a real heartfelt story, simple, with no violence or romance. You may need tissues. Read it and give me your verdict. I'm new here!)


_**Hello! This is my first fic based on a manga that I have been proud enough to post. It is an idea that I have wanted to pen down for far too long and as you can see I finally pressed "post". Hopefully my next fic won't be as heavy ;) I love the original story and it breaks my heart that it was left undone.**_

**Disclaimer: X/1999 and all these characters belong to CLAMP.**

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Finding it hard to sleep, Subaru twisted for the millionth time in his bed, the duvet well and truly mangled around his thin frame. With an unsteady hand, shaking, he reached out and hesitantly checked his phone for the time. The instant sharp glare from the small device was blinding as he pressed the home button. With a disappointing realisation, he let out a pained sigh.

4:02am. Not again.

He felt his chest tighten and after throwing the phone on the bed, somewhere, he clenched his body as tight as he could. He knew something was not right, even though logically everything was in order. But, he had been down this road many times before, and it's pretty grim.

Rain started pelting against the window. The young man untangled himself from the bedclothes and sat up on the edge of the bed, and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hands. Groggily, he got up, not bothering to completely stretch up to a decent posture, and manoeuvred to the direction of his trenchcoat which draped over the clothes on top of his suitcase on the floor beside his desk. He reached into a pocket to reveal a box of 'Mild Sevens' brand cigarettes and a lighter. On opening the box, his face dropped. Empty. He impatiently shook the box incase one was hidden. But no.

"Damn it!" Subaru cursed, squashing the box and flingling it towards the bin, missing it by a mile.

Feeling a worse pain in his chest, Subaru trudged back to his bed and tucked himself in again. The bed had lost all its heat and the cold was a horrible sensation on his skin. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried his hardest to sleep this time. He also hoped if he distracted himself enough this uneasy feeling would pass. First, he started going through all the letters of the alphabet. Then he tried to think of an animal that starts with every letter and subsequently moved on to movie titles. Sometimes this had worked in the past if his worry was not too bothersome. But tonight, even that failed. He shot his eyes open again. The rain was fading away and a dull light was creeping in through the curtains filling the room with a faint, orange glow.

'No, no. no!' he complained out loud in desperation, to himself. He flipped himself 180 degrees and started punching the mattress. When he stopped, that's when he felt it. The sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Cool beads of sweat formed on his back and forehead and his heart was beating erratically. Then every breath started to catch in his throat, almost like it was water and he was chained to the deep end, a metaphysical killer shark sensing his presence and closing in on him.

A panic attack.

His mind started racing. In an instant, everything inside him seemed to shut down as his body stiffened. Is this how you're supposed to feel when you're about to die?

Meanwhile, another Dragon of Earth; another member of Subaru's team; 16 year old Kamui, was awake, wandering the hallway after using the bathroom. He was struck by muffled soft, angsty cries coming from Subaru's room as he passed and lightly knocked on the door to see if his friend and teammate was ok.

"Subaru?" he whispered cautiously, opening the door carefully after 5 seconds when he didn't hear an answer so he wouldn't interrupt anything.

He was greeted by an image of the 25-year old huddled in a ball on the bed, swaying from side to side. Subaru lifted his head up and Kamui could see he was in bits.

"What happened, Subaru-kun?" he gasped. "Can I put the light on?"

Subaru sobbed. He was out of it. To Kamui, he sounded very short of breath.

Kamui flicked on the light-switch, closed the door and rushed to the end of the bed.

They stood in silence for about 10 seconds but it felt like an hour. Kamui could see him in a ball, shaking. He could also see how flushed his face was, and his skin was glistening with sweat.

"What happened?" Kamui's eyes widened.

"Nothing" The older man took a few deep breaths. "I- I think.. I think I'm having a-."

He stopped to wheeze. His ears were ringing so much, driving him incredibly insane. The sick feeling started to rise in his stomach again, so he clenched his arms even tighter and sighed in pain. Kamui grabbed his arms in shock.

'What? Are you ill?!' The younger man started to stress, rubbing his hands through his messy hair.

Subaru didn't reply directly. He just shook his head while biting his lip.

"Okay. Okay. Take a few deep breaths." He didn't know what to do.

He had never seen the usually well-composed and level-headed onmyoji in such a fragile and pathetic state before.

"Will I get you anything. A drink? A bucket?"

"I can't do it, Kamui-kun".

"Do what?"

"Tomorrow. I have to help you and the team fight the Dragons of Earth. I'm not cut-out to hurt anyone."

Kamui rubbed Subaru's right hand which beared a large star-shaped scar and tried to shush him down.

"They're out to destroy the earth. They deserve to be put in their place. We will be saving many lives if we defeat them."

Subaru's voice was almost incoherent and cracked in all the wrong places. His glistening emerald eyes peered into Kamui's shining sapphires.

"I don't know why I am a Dragon. I can't do this."

In a serious tone, Kamui replied, still keeping his sharp eye-contact. "You are Sumeragi fucking Subaru. You are freaking awesome and we need you on our team. I sure as hell don't want to save the earth on my own."

Subaru wiped his eyes and smiled back, easing up a little. They stayed silent for a few seconds before Subaru tensed up again.

"Nope!" he cringed, and threw his head between his legs again.

"Subaru?!"

"My mind won't stop racing! I'm so sorry, so so sorry!" He started once more to choke on his breathing.

"Subaru?!" In frustration, Kamui's voice started to rise. He had never dealt with anything of this sort before.

"I-I really trust you Kamui-kun. That's why I'm so sorry you have to see me like this."

"Stop repeating yourself!"

The attack victim edged off the bed and pulled the empty bin liner out of his dustbin. "I'm going to throw up."

Kamui lept up. "What?!"

Subaru slowly bent down to the ground and sat at the foot of the bed and heaved uglily into the plastic bag in his thin, shaking hands. Kamui plonked himself beside him and not knowing what else to do, rubbed his fingers through his friend's bangs. Suddenly a little "rat-a-tat-tat" sounded on the door which startled the two.

"C-come in!" Kamui beckoned in a quiet voice. Subaru bent his head back and wiped his mouth in his t-shirt.

The door swung open. The youngest member of the team entered the room wearing pink, fluffy pyjamas. "I heard noise and woke up and came to see if everything was okay" she squealed.

"Close the door, Yuzuriha!" Kamui panicked.

She closed it quietly and ran to face to two guys when she saw the state they were in.

"Oh my god! Are you ok?"

Subaru bowed his head down, curled up in his little ball again.

"Subaru-kun, pull yourself together!" Kamui reached down and forcefully rubbed his shoulders. He was starting to lose his patience. He was tired and the room was getting brighter by the minute. The Onmyouji sunk lower again. The last thing he ever wanted was to be a burden.

"Did something happen?" Yuzuriha asked. She looked at Kamui who was biting his lip.

"Panic attack I'd say. I don't know how to help." He directed the next sentence at the anxious friend, in a higher tone of voice. "What do you think brought on the attack?"

In a muffled voice, Subaru cried. "I'm no good as a Dragon of Heaven." His voice broke, tears streaming down his thin, pale face. "I-I'm so sorry for b-b-bothering you."

"No way!" Yuzuriha pipped up. "We need you on our team. Everything will be ok!" She had a calm, motherly air about her.

Kamui sat up a bit straighter. "Maybe it could help to talk about it. Run through everything from the start." He reached in a bit closer to Subaru. "Are you worried about meeting the Sakurazukamori?"

Oh no. With a jump, Subaru's heart dropped. His eyes widened and lost their focus immediately. The blood rushed from his face faster than the bile rose in his throat. In a state of overwhelming nausea and deafening tinnitus he shuffled around to grab the plastic bag again and violently vomited into it. Yuzuriha, in an instant, hit Kamui a slap on the arm, and gave him a darting look. The fragile man plonked himself on the ground away from them and coming to his senses again, burst into tears. Kamui froze in his spot, rubbing his own arm with his mouth gaping open. The girl on the other hand, rushed over to Subaru's side to rub her fingers through his soft, thick, black hair and hush him like a mother, apologizing for Kamui's bluntness. If he didn't want to explain his misery, he didn't have to.

When he wasn't calming down much after about 5 harsh minutes, she got up and left the room, much to the other's amazement.

She returned a while later with a little brown bottle and a note. She quietly handed the note to the stubborn 16-year old, while she sat down beside the other, who still would not rise his head, to show him the bottle.

_"Don't be so clueless, baka. Change the subject to something that will make him smile and calm him down._" was written on the note which Kamui read to himself. His face cringed and could see Yuzuriha glaring at him as he read it. He nodded at her and sat on the bed.

_"Rescue Remedy_" she smiled consolingly, showing it to Subaru who looked up into her eyes and calmed down a tiny bit. "My grandmother gave it to me. It helps me get through little difficulties. I'm not sure if it will work for you, but it might help a little bit." She pulled off the top to reveal a little spray pump.

Subaru released his clutch around his legs to take hold of the little potion and examined it carefully. His hands were still shaking. Yuzuriha flashed a wink up to the other guy, before turning her head back to the patient again.

"You put two sprays on your tongue like this." She mimed the action. Subaru copied and winced at the unusual taste. She threw her arms around him suddenly. "There's no need to worry, Suby-kun!"

"Thank you." He looked at her very solemnly. He took a massive sigh, rubbing his stinging eyes. "Like I told Kamui-kun, I'm very sorry you had to see me like this Yuzuriha-chan."

"Don't be silly. Lots of people have mini freak-outs. Don't let what's bothering you take over your life."

"I won't. I'm just freaking out over the thought of tomorrow."

Yuzuriha exhaled loudly. "I think we're all quite nervous. Not just about tomorrow, but this whole apocalypse ordeal. We're only human... kinda."

Subaru forced a small smile. Yuzuriha continued, smiling back:

"It's actually nice to see Sumeragi Subaru isn't this emotionless being we all thought you were. This is just a hiccup you'll get over, that will make you stronger."

A single tear fell down Subaru's face from his right eye. Kamui awkwardly shuffled before moving down beside him.

"Remember that English test I had today?" he exclaimed.

"Huh?" Subaru wiped his face to look up at his friend who changed the subject so unusually abruptly.

"The English test you help me study for. With the conditional tense. I aced it!"

A smile crept onto Subaru's face. "That's great news!" His voice was less croaky than earlier.

"Yep! I honestly couldn't have done it without you"

"Ah now, I don't think I should get much of that glory."

Kamui beamed. "No, you should! You've a natural flair for the language!"

Subaru looked up shyly. "I guess I often have to write onmyoji reports in English for foreigners."

"It paid off! I was lucky to have you correct my spelling mistakes!"

"You're too kind."

Kamui snorted. "Remember Sorata-san got me to spell _come _with a _u _and no _e_"

The other guy giggled. " That's right! Although I think he did that on purpose for a joke as he drew a winking face beside it."

Yuzuriha, in her own world, thought for a second too long about that spelling before she spat out "Eeeeww!" and flailed her arms in the air, sending the two lads, for the first time that night into hysterics.

And there they stayed, on the floor of Subaru's room chatting and sharing stories, till the other housemates found them fast asleep, huddled into each other, in the morning.


End file.
